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S.M. the Sexy Minion
S.M. the Sexy Minion is a Squad Birthday Fic by Captain Moch for Daz's birthday. It follows the story of a young girl in the 80s who befriends an alien and helps return it to its home. Prologue It was a dark night in chilly North Pole, Alaska, yet the sky was glittering with the view of a meteor shower. Shooting stars and comets briefly flashed sporadically… until one, much brighter light shined across the sky. Suddenly, a spaceship burst out of hyperspace right through that light, into Earth’s atmosphere. It landed in the middle of an Alaskan forest, and odd alien figures emerged from its entrance. They were shrouded in the shadow of night, but they quickly scampered around, grabbed materials, and hurried back into their spaceship. All of them… except one. As the spaceship flew back into hyperspace, one single alien was watching from below, screaming for his copilots to hopefully notice his absence, then crying to itself as the ship blasted away. It stopped as it heard human voices and saw bright flashlights emerge in the forest, and it ran off before the unknown humans could catch it… Chapter 1 - A Fateful Encounter That same night, in a nearby suburban neighborhood called 80s Hills, a young girl named Daz just finished up playing Dungeons and Daddies with her friends BJ and JS. “So, what did you guys do last weekend?” Daz asked as she was putting away the game. “I helped my friend with telekinetic powers defeat a monster who kidnapped our friend and bought it to another dimension.” BJ replied. “I went on an adventure with a large group of friends to discover One-Eyed Willy’s treasure and befriend a big monster guy along the way.” JS said. “Wow, you guys had very eventful weeks, here in the year 1982. My life has been kinda boring…” Daz remarked. “Oh well. Get home safely!” BJ and JS left and biked to their nearby houses as Daz went to bed. The next morning, Daz’s alarm went off with a radio. “Good morning 80s Hills, today is 1 Day Later in 1982!” Said the radio DJ. “God, one day later in 1982? I’m late for school!” Daz exclaimed, looking at her calender that just said “1982” and her clock that also just said “1982.” She jumped out of bed, grabbed her backpack and ran downstairs. Down there, her mother, Jennifer, was making breakfast for Daz and her little sister, Jasmine. “Daz, hurry and eat your breakfast or you’re going to be late!” Jennifer said. “I know, I know!” Daz said, grabbing a piece of toast and shoving it in her mouth as she ran out the front door. She hopped onto a bike and hurried her bike off towards 80s Middle School. Along the way, she rode past Ace, Randal, and Juno who were riding in a red Ferrari, as well as Vincent who was wearing a red jacket and riding in a Delorean. “Oh no…” Daz said, looking at her watch and seeing that class starts in five minutes. “I’m gonna have to take a shortcut.” She turned her bike into the nearby woods, where she quickly raced it through until it snagged onto something and the bike flew into the air. Daz landed on a tree branch, bruised. “Ugh… what happened… I think I hit an animal…” She said, climbing down the tree. She tiptoed back over to her bike to see what she hit, and she heard a figure whimpering in the shadows. She edged closer until another creature, a white and brown furry chinchilla-like thing, sprung out first. “Hey, you’re not what I hit! You’re just some gremlin.” Daz realized, looking at the weird white and brown furry creature. She kicked it into the sunlight which caused it to explode. “Now, let’s see what I hit.” Daz said as she looked closer into the shadows. She then got close enough to see what she hit. It was a yellow, one-eyed creature wearing googles and blue overalls. She gasped, never having seen anything like it. “What… are you?” Daz asked the creature. It only whimpered. “M-min… ion…” It whispered. “You’re a… minion?” Daz asked. The minion was silent. “I’m sorry I hit you… I’ll take you to my house.” Daz thought about the school she had but she figured helping this defenseless creature was more important. She wrapped it up in a blanket and put it in her bike’s basket, then started pedalling back to her house. “So, you’re a minion. Do you have a name?” Daz asked. The minion looked too weak to talk. “How about I call you… Dave?” She asked. The minion remained silent, so Daz shrugged and kept driving her bike. As Daz rode, she passed by a truck labeled “Legwarmers or Something” as well as a long, white car advertising “The First Ever All-Male Ghostbusting group.” Soon, she arrived at home. Her mother was at work and her little sister was at preschool. Chapter 2 - Minion Bonding As Daz rode, she passed by a truck labeled “Legwarmers or Something” as well as a long, white car advertising “The First Ever All-Male Ghostbusting group.” Soon, she arrived at home. Her mother was at work and her little sister was at preschool. “Alright, Dave. Make yourself at home.” Daz said, taking the minion out of the blanket. The small yellow corn puff explored the house in wonder. Soon after, Daz heard the doorbell ring and cautiously went to the front door to answer it. “H-hello?” Daz said, peeking out. On her porch stood an adult male wearing U.S. government clothing. “Hello, child. I am Officer Faves of the U.S. Government.” The person proclaimed. “What? A government agent? Of what division, may I ask?” Daz replied. “The evil antagonistic government agent divi- I mean uh, taxes. Or something. Yeah. Anyway, I’m here to ask you if you’ve seen any suspicious creatures.” Faves asked. “Nope. Nothing suspicious at all!” Daz said, nervously. “Hmm… well if you see anything, let us know immediately, or else.” Officer Faves continued. “Hey, shouldn’t a kid your age be at school?” “Nope!” Daz shouted, and she slammed the door shut and locked it with three separate locks. “Dang, that was close… I need to keep Dave safe from these evil government guys.” Daz said. “Dave?” She called, to no answer. “Uh oh.” Daz frantically looked around the house for Dave, and eventually ran into the kitchen, where she saw the fridge door was propped open by the mischievous minion. “Dave! There you are!” Daz shouted, opening the fridge. She saw that he drank all her mom’s alcohol in her fridge. “Dave, no! Don’t have that, it’ll get you drunk! Drink this uh…” Daz dug into the fridge and pulled out a New Goke. “Enjoy a delicious New Goke!” Daz tried to take a sip of it before giving it to Minion, but she spit it out. “Bleh, I miss classic Goke… you’re better off just having alcohol, Dave.” Suddenly, Daz started feeling a bit tipsy. “W-woah… why do I suddenly feel…” Twenty minutes later, Daz and Dave were dancing naked and singing “Don’t Stop Believing” together. “Woo! I do not remember drinking anything, yet I’m drunk! And I don’t care!” Daz shouted. “Banana!!!” Dave shouted, eating a banana as he ran in circles. “Hehe… banana… wait, weren’t you the one drinking, anyway?” Daz asked. “Woah… if you getting drunk, meant I got drunk too… we must be like, mentally connected or something.” “Bo cocka?” Said Dave, in his normal minion gibberish. “Yeah, let’s try out the boundaries of this! Maybe if you get hurt, I get hurt too!” Daz shouted. She pulled out a B.B. gun and shot Dave with it, which caused Dave to fall backwards in pain AND Daz to fall backwards in pain. “OW! ...but it worked!” Daz shouted while still moaning in pain, and she high-fived Dave. She then noticed on her watch that it was 4:00 pm. “Woah, my mom is gonna get home in an hour. We need to find a safe place to keep you where she won’t discover you.” “Dave… phone… home?” Dave said. “Phone home? I have no idea what you’re talking about so I’m just gonna ignore that. Hmm… I know! I’ll call one of my friends and ask them to help!” Daz exclaimed. She grabbed the telephone and first called JS. “Hey JS, can you help me with something real quick?” Daz asked. “Sorry, I’m a little busy on another 80s misadventure. I think… I’m being haunted.” JS apprehensively continued. “Um, have you heard of the ghoul… Beetlejuice?” “What? What was the name?” Daz asked. “Beetlejuice.” JS said. “I didn’t catch that again, what was it?” Daz asked again. “Beetlejuice.” JS said, and then his phone line mysteriously stopped. “JS… JS? Guess we got cut off.” Daz said placing down the phone. She then dialed BJ. “Hey BJ, wanna help me on epic adventure?” Daz asked. “Sorry, I can’t right now Daz. Some guy at school was being a huge jerk so now this old guy is gonna teach me karate through the magic of car washing.” BJ responded. “By the way, he’s a TOTAL daddy-” Daz hung up the phone before BJ could finish. “Ugh… I’ve got to have some other friends I can get help from…” Daz said. She dialed another number. “Hey Rose? What? You’re playing… video games? What are video games? They sound dumb. Whatever, I’ll call you back later.” Daz hung up and dialed another number. “Hey NC? Something about a Breakfast Club? Are you in detention? Oh, it’s just a club where you eat breakfast at dinnertime. Nevermind, I guess.” Daz hung up again. “Drat, nobody’s around to help me! I guess I’m gonna have to do my own dirty work…” Daz said. She looked at the clock and saw that it was 4:30. “I still have time…” Chapter 3 - Government Escape Daz grabbed Dave, put him on her bike basket, and pedaled away. As she did, she noticed some government cars started following her and sirens went off. Daz gasped and started pedaling faster. “You there! This is the government! Stop pedaling away immediately!” Shouted Officer Faves through a megaphone in the car. “Suck a dick, dumbshits!” Daz shouted as she pedaled faster. She noticed that she was approaching a cliff and was about to panic, but she shrugged and kept going. As she reached the cliff, it flew into the air, and the bike began to fly. The government cars slid to a stop by the cliff. “Woah, we can fly! This isn’t the alcohol, right?” Daz said. “Ci.” Said Dave. “How are you flying, anyway?” Daz asked. Dave just shrugged. “Wait, so we’re just flying? You have no idea why? We could keep going or immediately stop at any time?” “Ya!” Dave said. Daz was silent for a few seconds then she started screaming at the top of her lungs. A few minutes later, the bike thankfully landed nearby and Daz got Dave out. “I think we’re safe, Dave…” She whispered. Immediately after, government agents jumped out and aimed guns at her. “You’re not safe, bitches!” Officer Faves shouted. Daz dropped Dave and put her hands up, and Dave put his hands up as well. “Well, well, well. Looks like we have you cornered.” Faves said, slow-clapping. “Steven! Throw the kid in jail, make sure you throw any family members in jail too, they’re probably accomplices.” Daz gasped in horror as one of Faves’s assistants grabbed Daz and handcuffed her. “I’ll handle the minion…” Faves said, grabbing the minion by its leg and holding it upside down. “No… DAVE!!!” Daz shouted as she was dragged away. She blacked out and woke up an hour later in the back of a truck, in a jail cell, with her mother and sister. “Mom, Jasmine!” Daz said. “You’re awake! Daz, what the hell is going on?” Jasmine asked. “Jasmine, language!” Jennifer said. She coughed. “Daz, what the fuck is going on?” “I, uh… discovered an alien… it’s called a minion...” Daz explained, pulling out a selfie of her and Dave. “An alien? That’s-” Jennifer saw the picture of Dave and her heart stopped. “Woah… that’s one sexy minion…” “What the fuck.” Jasmine said. Before anyone could continue, Daz fell onto the floor in pain. “Oh no, are you okay?” Jennifer asked. “Dave… he’s in trouble…” Daz said, moaning. “Oh no… not the sexy minion… or S.M., for short.” Jennifer said. “Shut…” Daz said. The jail truck they were in suddenly ground to a halt, and Faves’s assistant Steven opened the door. “What are you doing?” Jasmine asked. “For years I’ve been trying to write the great American film, but I’ve never had a big enough story idea… until now.” Steven said. He unlocked the door of the jail cell that the family was stuck in. “What? What do you mean?” Jennifer asked. “This setup! Young kid discovers an alien, befriends them, gains a mental connection, government agents go after them, gets their mother and little sister wrapped up into the situation… I might need to cut out the sexual tension between the mother and the alien though. Oh, fuck it, I’ll remove it mostly but keep the subtext. Anyway, IT’S GENIUS! It’s the perfect screenplay! I’m gonna cum money!” Steven said, ushering the family out. “Okay, but why are you freeing us?” Daz asked, still moaning in pain. “Because all movies must end with a happy ending! Now go! Save your alien friend!” Steven shouted, and Jennifer carried Daz and Jasmine away. “What’s your name, anyway?” Daz shouted. “Steven… De Mayo. Although I’ve considered changing the last name to Spielberg.” He shouted back. Jennifer hurried to the government labs carrying the young Jasmine and the injured Daz. Chapter 4 - The Final Hour Jennifer, still holding her daughters, burst the door of the government labs open. “Daz, go, I’ll hold off these government agents!” Jennifer said, holding on to Jasmine and dropping Daz to go to Dave. “Woah, you know karate?” Jasmine asked. “No, but I watch a lot of it on all three television channels that currently exist here in the year 1981.” Jennifer said, trying to punch some government ages. Daz, even in her weak state, ran off to save her friend. She then saw Dave strapped to a testing chamber, being tortured “Oh no, Dave.” Said Daz in an extremely monotone voice. “Daz!” Dave shouted ecstatically in his minion voice. Daz tried to run toward him, but tripped in her weakness. She tried to crawl to it, but collapsed even more, now squirming across the floor in weakness to try saving Dave. She was about to faint when she reached the button to free Dave from its clutches. Dave jumped out and was feeling much better, which caused Daz to suddenly get a burst of energy as well. “Woah, Dave, you’re okay!” Daz said, hugging him. The sweet moment was interrupted by Officer Faves bursting the door open. “Ugh! You’re freeing the stupid minion! I HATE MINIONS!” Faves shouted. Daz panicked then shouted. “LOOK, FUTA!” She shouted. Faves looked around for it, and while she was looking away, Daz ran off carrying Dave. “What- no! Guards, get her!” Faves shouted. Daz ran for the exit, grabbed Jennifer and Jasmine’s hand, and the group made a run for it. “Phone… home…” Dave said again. “Ugh, what does he mean by that?” Daz said as she was running. Dave pointed to the distance, where a spaceship was hovering in the air. Daz gasped in shock and started running towards it. “How did you summon that ship?” “Ba danga!” Dave shouted, waving around a communication device he had. “Ugh, we have to find a way to divert the government’s attention…” Jennifer shouted. “I know!” Jasmine said, spotting something. Officer Faves was chasing after the family with the other government agents, when he saw rustling in the nearby bushes. “They must be hiding over there, get em!” Faves shouted, and everyone tackled the bush. “Wait, that’s not the minion…” Said one agent, and they got off to realize that they just tackled a gremlin. “Phew, it’s only a mogwai…” Faves said. “Wait, is it holding a chocolate bar…” Faves jumped as he heard a clock tower in the distance chime in that it’s past midnight. “Oh god. Ohh nooooooo-” Eating after midnight immediately caused the gremlin to transform into an evil gremlin, which began attacking and tearing apart the government agents. Off in the distance, the family was running away. “Yes, it worked!” Jasmine shouted. Seconds later, Daz, Jennifer, Jasmine, and Dave arrived at where the spaceship was docked. “F-family!” Dave said, walking towards the ship. Daz teared up a bit. “Yep… your family is there…” Daz said. Dave turned around and smiled at Daz’s family. “You… family… too!” Dave said. Daz choked up even more and hugged Dave. Jennifer and Jasmine watched, somberly. “I’ll miss you, Dave…” Daz said, now crying even more. “I’ll always be right here…” Dave said, pointing at Daz’s head. Dave turned to Jennifer and pointed at her crotch. “I’ll always be right here… winkwonk.” Dave walked away from Daz’s family and climbed into the spaceship. As the ship was lifting off, Dave looked at the door and shouted. “Be… good!” Dave shouted, and the ship launched into the air, flying away. Daz was crying as she watcher her friend launch back into space. Jasmine hugged her and Jennifer pat her on the back. “Let’s go home, Daz… let’s go home…” Said Jennifer, picking up her children and carrying them home. Back in the middle of the forest, Faves was rising from the floor with his clothes completely tattered by the gremlin. “They may have gotten away… but I’ll be back in the sequel! S.M. 2, taking place in 90s Hills! Stuffed with irreverent 90s references! You know it’ll happen! Bwahahaha!” Faves shouted. Before he could say anything more, a demogorgon jumped out of a tree and swallowed him whole. The end. Category:Pages by Captain Moch Category:Birthday Fics